I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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