So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
