I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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