Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i would one night stand the shit outta him
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
