I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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