thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
