I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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