You made me cry and you don't even care
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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