i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
