The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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