i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
