don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
