I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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