I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
