I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
