As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
and you fell through a lawn chair
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
