dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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