You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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