After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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