why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
