SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
