Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
