I think I just saw someone hide a body.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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