Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
