The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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