Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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