I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
