If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
