I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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