You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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