you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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