Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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