So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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