New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
