I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
