Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
