I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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