Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
