JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
