some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
