i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
