Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
