I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
