We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
