PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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