so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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