Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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