I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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