my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
