If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
