My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
